You aced her birthday surprise. You remembered her coffee order with oat milk and zero judgment. You even sat through a three-hour K-drama about emotionally unavailable men without scrolling Instagram once.
And yet, somewhere between “I’m fine” and “Do what you feel like,” you find yourself questioning everything you have ever known.
Because here’s the truth no dating guide, no therapist, no Bollywood rom-com will tell you:
Girls speak a language. It sounds like English or Hindi or any freaking language that humans communicate across the globe. But it’s actually Advanced Emotional Morse Code.
And if a guy (read: you) is trying to decode it, good luck, soldier. You’ll need a PhD in “She Said This, But Meant That”, a lie detector, and a sixth sense trained exclusively in “Are you mad at me?”
This isn’t about mocking. This isn’t a roast.
It’s an honest (and affectionate) attempt to decode the gloriously dramatic, slightly illogical, and 100% iconic things girls say that make absolutely no sense…
Written by a boy who’s just trying to survive, one confusing sentence at a time.
Ready? Buckle up. This ride includes emotional U-turns, overthinking speed bumps, and a full tank of sass.
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“I have nothing to wear!”
While standing in front of a wardrobe that just sneezed clothes.
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“Let’s go out, but I don’t feel like dressing up.”
Then spends 2 hours doing hair, makeup, and changing outfits thrice.
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“Don’t ask me, do what you feel like.”
Translation: If you don’t pick what I want, you are dead.
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“Why didn’t you reply to my 'hmm'?”
Bro, it’s literally “hmm.” What am I supposed to say? “Hmmm back?”
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“It’s not about the gift, it’s about the thought.”
But if you thought of nothing, you are dead.
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“I’m not hungry.”
Proceeds to eat your entire fries like it’s a personal snack box.;
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“I’m fine.”
But you know it’s the calm before the storm!
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“I just want something simple.”
Proceeds to order an oat milk frappe with light foam, half shot espresso, extra caramel, two pumps of drama.
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“Tell me honestly, I won’t get mad.”
And that, my friend, was the biggest lie ever told.
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“I don’t care.”
She absolutely does.
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“Does this make me look fat?”
Careful, soldier. Every answer is a trap.
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“We need to talk.”
Translation: You messed up. You just don’t know how yet.
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“I had a weird dream about you…”
And suddenly, you're on trial for something you did in her dream.
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“She’s just a friend? Really?”
Even ACP Pradyuman is less suspicious.
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“I love how honest you are!”
Until your honesty clashes with her opinion.
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“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”
Which, FYI, hurts 10x more.
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“You never listen to me!”
Me: Repeats her entire rant word-for-word. Still wrong.
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“OMG I LOVE this song!”
Skips it halfway through.
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“Do I look better with or without the filter?”
Both answers = danger zone.
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“You don’t have to do anything for my birthday.”
...unless you want to be single the next day.
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“Maine haan bola toh tu sachme bahar chala gaya doston se milne?”
Wait, wasn’t the ‘haan’ a test?? Not a green signal?!
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“Tu mere liye time hi nahi nikalta.”
While literally chilling together and planning the next hangout.
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“I’m okay. Don’t bother.”
Translation: Please bother. Stay. Insist. Read my mind.
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“It’s fine, I can do it myself.”
No she can't. You're supposed to jump in like a Bollywood hero.
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“Ladkiyaan ladkon se zyada mature hoti hai.”
Proceeds to fight over why her bestie didn’t like her new reel.
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“Boys ko grooming sense nahi hoti.”
While using your G-shock watches, stealing your hoodie, and judging your haircut.
Oh, wait! You actually scrolled all the way down, hoping we would drop some secret decoder or magical solution to all this?
Sorry, bro. “Nothing is impossible” is a lie.
Because decoding what girls actually mean? That’s the real Mission Impossible and no, not even Tom Cruise can help you with this one.
